Portland, OR – After violent Antifa mobs turned on him, Mayor Ted Wheeler has fled the city he once loved and adored. “I felt it was probably time to go once they tried to burn down my apartment building and murder me and my neighbors,” said Wheeler. “I finally got the hint.”
After months of rioting, Antifa agitators turned their hate on a fellow ally of the movement. “Yeah, he’s an ally and he was a very useful idiot to us. But he’s just not Marxist enough for us any longer,” said Trinity Martin, an Antifa comrade. “He doesn’t have the bona fides to be part of our exclusive group any longer, so he has to go. Sorry, Teddy. Just leave now and everything will be okay for you and your eight cats. Capeesh, my friend?”
Wheeler has taken that advice to heart and is moving out of Portland and Oregon altogether. “I’ve decided to move to Pocatello. I feel much safer there with no Antifa around. I’ve found that Republicans are much, much nicer than Democrats,” said Wheeler. “I never would’ve thought that while living in the Portland progressive bubble, but it’s true. Portlanders are super mean.”
One other surprising thing Wheeler mentioned was he bought his first firearm. “I bought myself a pistol. A Glock 17, Gen 4, 9mm, actually. It has a customizable grip with dual recoil spring assembly that substantially reduces the wear and tear on the gun. Plus it has a reversible enlarged magazine catch, which is changeable to accommodate left and right-handed operators,” said Wheeler. “It’s so fun to shoot. I love that gun so much. I’m saving up to buy an AR-15 next. I can’t wait.”
When asked if he’s voting for Trump, Wheeler said he wouldn’t go that far. “But give me a couple months and who knows? Maybe you’ll see me wearing a red MAGA hat come November 3rd while standing in line to vote without a mask on.”
