Olympia, WA – Gov. Jay Inslee signed an executive order today reinstating Washington State’s death penalty. Reversing his 2014 executive order putting a moratorium on the death penalty, and overturning the Washington State Supreme Court’s 2018 decision to officially end the practice, Inslee declared this is now an urgent issue that will help climate change. “The climate is too important not to execute people,” Inslee said.
“My decision today thankfully restarts the death penalty in Washington. I want to make it perfectly clear that capital punishment in our state will be imposed on an arbitrary and politically biased basis, and will be unequally applied to those who deny climate change. It will serve no criminal justice goal other than criminalizing climate change deniers. This is a hugely important moment in our pursuit for equal and fair application of climate justice,” said Inslee.
In the executive order, all homes, schools, churches, restrooms, baby cribs and businesses in the state will be equipped with Amazon listening devices to make sure all are in complete agreement about climate change. Jeff Bezos, CEO of Amazon, agreed with the decision. “I’m all for it. Anything to fight climate change and anything to support my business. The rule of law is important and my immense wealth is more important. Go team Amazon climate change!” said Bezos.
The death penalty will only be applied to those who disobey climate change laws and disagree with Inslee in any manner. “For example, you may support the fact that the climate is changing because of human activity. That’s good. But if you think the effects of climate change won’t drown you, your family and your cat in twelve years, then that is grounds for the death penalty,” said Inslee.
“Also, if you murder your spouse because you are mad at them for burning your dinner, that is not grounds for the death penalty. That would be immoral. But if the spouse denies climate change, then that is a reason the death penalty will be applied.”
To set an example, meteorologist Cliff Mass was arrested today by Inslee’s newly formed Climate Change Police, or the CCP. “CCP arrested Cliff Mass today while he was blogging. In general he’s an ally of the climate change belief system, but he’s just not enough of a believer in my view,“ Inslee said. “So, unless he publicly recants, he will have the death penalty applied and climate justice will be served.”
