Olympia, WA – Democratic Senator Patty Murray explained today that Antifa does not exist and that the group is a figment of everyone’s imagination. “Antifa as an organization isn’t real and is a make-believe construct of FOX News conspiracy theorists and Trump,” said Murray. “Antifa does not exist, just like Bigfoot, leprechauns and God don’t exist.”
Murray continued, “Yes, Antifa and all these Marxist groups do not exist and definitely have no structure or formal means of communication. They all just happen to show up at the same time in Seattle and Portland, wearing the same things and throwing the same bricks. It is an amazing coincidence.”
Many people were very upset to hear the senator’s inflammatory remarks. One of those was Matt Moneymaker, a Bigfoot researcher. “I am offended that anyone would deny the existence of Bigfoot in today’s modern society. With all the evidence out there, it’s ridiculous,” said Moneymaker. “And then compare sweet, precious Bigfoot to Antifa? Outrageous!”
Seamus O’Sullivan wasn’t happy about the leprechaun comment. “We Irish are offended that Senator Murray would say such a thing about the Irish, especially with the first name of Patty. Why does she hate Irish people like it was the 1800s again?” said O’Sullivan. “If leprechauns don’t exist, where does Patty think pots of gold come from and who will repair our shoes? Shame!”
Rev. Jerry Bruckfield also didn’t appreciate the comments about God. “So not only does Murray compare God to Antifa, but she also compares God to Bigfoot and leprechauns?” said Bruckfield. “I know most Democrats are Godless, but this just takes the cake.”
Murray tried to explain her view that God doesn’t exist. “You see, there’s something called the Big Bang. It just exploded magically by itself somehow. Poof! God didn’t do that. Absolutely nothing did that,” said Murray. “The universe formed out of nothing, because science.”
Local Antifa activist Trey Martinbean was also very upset. “We’ve spent all these years building up our branding and Murray just comes out and says we’re not real? After all the riots, vandalism and terrorism we put our energy into and nobody believes we’re real? Only Republicans think we’re real? What is this world coming to where I’m saying Trump and Republicans know what the truth is?,” said Martinbean. “We, unfortunately, need more Republicans in office.”
Murray tried to apologize for her initial remarks. “I just want to say that after much discussion and thinking about it for a few minutes, I now do believe that Bigfoot and leprechauns exist. And I also believe Antifa is real, although they’re harmless little fuzz balls. In fact I bought a T-shirt from them the other day off Amazon. I’m very sorry for any disrespect I caused,” said Murray.
“However, I still don’t believe that God is a real thing because if God were real, why wasn’t Hillary Clinton elected president in 2016?”
